my disability

i feel the need to do things immediately, or i'll explode.
i'll run to the park in the middle of the night, and swing until my arms ache. the seats are too close to the ground, so even i have to bend my knees.



sometimes, i imagine being thrown by my thoughts, and then falling and falling
sometimes, i imagine being dragged down until i am made of water
sometimes, i imagine my hair and my limbs being whipped as i give myself to the wind



i am a danger to myself.
anything, anything could happen in a minute.
solely driven by my feelings - every mood erratic and fast moving.



you told me that you miss 'the old michelle'
i am still 'the old michelle' - you just don't see me then.
so i told you i didn't realise there was 'the new michelle', but you see, i was in denial.
i know well that i have lost, and gained things. mostly lost.

and when i step outside of that person, the new version of myself, it hurts so much to think i could ever consider the end.



that's the worst part, i think. being two michelles.
one or the other would be easier.

it means i constantly regret and feel guilt, it means that i push friends away, to later feel terribly lonely.
i refuse a helping hand, and later cry out for help.
it means i disregard my future, then reflect on how bright i was at high school, and despair.

it means that i make pacts with myself to change, and then fall back, back into bad habits.



what i can handle in a unit of time can seem impossible in the next - making paid employment almost impossible.
there's every reason for them to give me the nudge if i keep on shuting off from the world.
even if it is periodic and in the next instance i am functioning as if nothing else happened.



this is confusing for anyone outside of me.
this is destroying existing and probable friendships.
as much as i wish people would understand, i can see how it's hard to.
i refuse to go on the sickness benefit because being like this goes against everything i wanted for my future.




my illness is a disability, and it is ruining my life.